Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
