Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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