I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just want nice things and good sex
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Floor bacon is actually really good
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