Swine flu is the new snow day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
