if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
they're like a gay fantastic four
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
