if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
