Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
