Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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