i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
