last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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