Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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