is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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