Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
