He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
