At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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