He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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