I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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