I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
