I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
