Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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