WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
