i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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