a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
