Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
