"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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