I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
