i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything about him screamed your future.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
