it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
