thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
