Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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