And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Damn victory sex feels great
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
