I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
