Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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