Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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