I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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