dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
