FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
