I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
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Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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