I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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