my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
