she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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