I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
