I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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