Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
