dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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