I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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