I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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