Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm gonna fight the coyote
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
