I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
