the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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