Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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