She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
