when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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