I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
