Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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