i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
